Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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