He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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