if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
