Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
