My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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