Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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