I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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