Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
