What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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