Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
