can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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