dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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