watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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