Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
