Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
