We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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