My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
