I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
