When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
