i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
