Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
