I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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