soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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