So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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