When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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