Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
