I wish I could punch you in the face.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
