i already hear my dad disowning me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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