you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
