Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
