That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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