I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
