i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Randomize
