Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just forgot I was standing up.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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