I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
