my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
