Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She bit a glass in half.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dicks are not precious.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
