Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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