We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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