I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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