Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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