if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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