He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
