The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
