ya dads aren't the best wingmen
where am i from again
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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