i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
how drunk are you?
Several
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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