I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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