She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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