Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
