Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
