there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
sarcasm needs its own font
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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