Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
