U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Drunk is not a location!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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