Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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