Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
