I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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