can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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